Six Things Not To Say

Six things NOT to Say When Supporting Someone Through a Challenge, Trauma or Transition (and Suggestions that Empower a More Conscious Experience of Support)

1.    “I know exactly how you feel.”

 

The truth is that even if we’ve had a similar experience, we can’t know exactly how a person feels. Instead, consider saying something like, “I can only imagine how you might feel,” or ask, “How are you feeling about this?” This empowers an authentic, natural response, as opposed to telling a person how they feel, and can be very helpful in languaging where someone is in their unique process.  If communicating empathy (or proving you understand) is a strong value for you, you can ask a question and then reframe, using the same language used by the other person, indicating your understanding.

 

For example, you may say “It sounds like you are feeling confused.” Give the person a chance to agree or disagree with your assessment before launching into how to fix the issue or the person. We all tend to view the world from our own perceptions and paradigms, which may be very different than another’s. Rather than flavor someone else’s experience with our own paradigm we can simply ask, “What do you need right now?” or “What can I do for you?” Most of my responses to this question took care of practical concerns such as praying with me, staying with our pets, driving us to the airport, or calling someone to inform them we were leaving town last minute.

 

2.   “You must be devastated, stressed, angry (fill in the blank).”

 

So many of the responses we have to life challenges or situations are culturally induced or implanted, creating a cycle that automatically puts us into a specific mindset, attitude or emotion based on what society says is right to do, think, or react. Rather than subtly (or forcefully) suggesting one “must feel” a certain way, instead, ask, “How are you feeling about all of this?” On more than one occasion, I’ve heard people say things like “(The person) is going to be ruined for the rest of their life.” Dictating a specific reality is just not helpful and most of the time absolutely does not have to be true.

 

Fears and facts are very different and something for us all to be conscious of. Our thoughts and beliefs have a huge influence on our experience and the creation of our future reality, and we have an opportunity to become more conscious of our power to influence our lives. As a hypnotherapist, I’ve long understood the power of suggestion and how much influence we can have on another and ourselves by the statements we make.  Hearing things like, “You are so strong and have an amazing support system that will help you move through this” was much more empowering and an honest reminder of what was true.

 

3.     Refrain from immediately telling your story of a similar experience and advising how people should be feeling and responding.

 

Recently, when connecting with friends about a traumatic event in our family, several people automatically began sharing their experience and the focus of the conversation became completely about them, their pain, and what they believed was most important for me to do or not do. More than one person told me I should be angry, enraged, and yelling and screaming, almost insinuating that something was wrong with me because I wasn’t. Honestly, this was neither where I was nor was it helpful, other than to solidify my awareness that compassion, love and forgiveness was what would guide me through the experience. This is not to say that anger is bad, nor that it won’t experience it during a natural process of grieving, but it does not have to be part of everyone’s journey.

 

4.      Asking “What Happened?” or Interrogating and Asking for Every Single Detail. 

 

In particular, when there has been a trauma, retelling the “story” or repeating every dramatic detail may not always be helpful. Several people asked so many questions I honestly didn’t have the answers to, but it felt more like drilling than caring. During one recent conversation I must have said “You are asking me questions that I don’t have the answer to” at least 6 times.

 

 Instead, ask, “Is there anything that you would like to share about this?”, “Would you like to talk about it?” or “How can I be supportive right now?” and “What do you need from me?” Last week, after receiving a painful phone call, I called a friend and told her I needed her to come to the house right away. She said “OK, I’ll be there in a few minutes.” It was wonderful to not have to explain anything before she was in my physical presence. She didn’t ask “Why?” when I simply needed someone to be with and pray with. 

 

I did share what “happened,” and after we both cried, she said, “What can I do?” I said, “Help me pray.”  She did, and in moments when I couldn’t sing (we sing many of the prayers), she was able to take over and offer her strength. Within an hour, my entire sense of strength had returned.  I was then able to, from my own inner guidance; determine the ideal course of action. It was powerful to go from not knowing what to do to having complete clarity on my next five steps, without being told a course of action that may not have fit for me and the approach I wanted to take.

 

5.     Saying, “You should…(fill in the blank) or “You need to do this, take this, etc.”

 

      Instead, ask, “How are you taking care of yourself?”, “What is the approach you are taking?”, or “How are you handling this?”  We can also initiate permission to advise someone on a particular course of action by simply asking, “May I offer some suggestions that I’ve found to be helpful?” This gives the other person a sense of control and choice, which is often important to re-establish.

 

   Personally, I walk a very specific spiritual path with powerful access to ceremonies, traditions, and ways of praying that have worked superbly for me for over a decade. I’m also at a place on my path where it is important to not “mix medicine.” When I use the term medicine it isn’t in the way we typically think because none of the medicine comes in bottle or pill. Rather, it refers to, for example, not mixing Reiki, for example, with the ancient rite of the Inipi (new agers refer to an Inipi as a sweat lodge), or mixing a stringent homeopathic remedy with indigenous healing modalities.

 

6.     Stating, “You Attracted this into Your Life,” or saying that a person has signed up for this specific experience and is merely getting what they wanted can be premature and incredibly insensitive, especially when minutes, hours, or days after an event or trauma. 

 

Even for those of us who philosophically believe in “soul contracts,” keep in mind, that this is very different than what law of attraction says (such as you are attracting everything with your thoughts and there is no predestined purpose to your life). Plus, most of us are not conscious of the soul level agreements we’ve made in advance of them manifesting. When pain is fresh, or someone is in shock, statements such as these can feel like a slap in the face and may never be appropriate to say, especially to a young person or someone not of the same philosophy.

 

I remember several years ago, we went through a period of time where 7 family members and close friends died. Someone said, “You need to ask why you are attracting so much death in to your life!” What I had truly experienced, even through the sadness of our human losses, was an amazing sense of honor in being able to be in such service to people’s transitions, a few of which were very hands on. I didn’t perceive that I was attracting death at all, rather, I had the honor to be of service to many people I loved deeply.

 

Do you have any thoughts to contribute? If so, leave a comment right here!

Much love, Ani

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Comments

[Anita Pathik Law]

Thanks everyone for your comments! Blessings to you all and thank you for the prayers! Love, Ani

[Barbara Larcom]

Hi Anita,

Thank you for this list. I can only imagine the wealth of experience (especially over the last couple of weeks) from which it was derived. Please know I've been sending you many loving thoughts recently.

Barbara

[Velma Alford]

Anita, thank you for this list. They shed light on maneuvering thru the deep emotional pain someone is experiencing. Sometimes we dont know what to say, or how to help. Knowing what not to say helps us to get cloeser to what and how to be present and loving and kind and supportive. Sometimes a hug, a deep connection thru the eyes is a powerful support without saying a word. And not rushing the person thru the emotions and the experience is a God-send. Allowing them to gently flow right where they are, supporting them with Loving prayer. Blessings of Love, Peace and Light to you.

[Donna Marie Thompson, PhD]

Dear Ani,

These are great. "I know how you feel" is very insensitive because it takes away the listener's individual perspective; their history, current situation and environment; their unqiue circumstances; and their access to resources. Rather than being comforting, this statement can lead to a contest of whose pain is worse. Not good -- and not what the listener needs when someone is "trying to help".

Donna Marie Thompson, PhD
BouncingBackNow.com