I would not wish the past week of our lives on my worst enemy (if I had one). At the same time, I can honestly say that I trust there are reasons and blessings that are still unfolding. I shall not go into any detail regarding circumstances or stories; rather, I will share a message of hope and grace and offer the three main things that have kept me and my family breathing and in as much balance as can be experienced during any time of crisis and trauma; Faith, Prayer and a Strong Circle of Spiritual Support are essential for navigating any challenge.
The Dreaded Phone Call
As I prepared just one week ago for an annual time of solitude, prayer and purification, I could not have predicted the significant and difficult time I and my family were entering into. Over the last few years we’ve received our share of dreaded phone calls and always, always, we’ve observed the strength that is restored, the grief that heals in time, and the grace that appears through the gifts of love, community, prayer and support.
I used to think that some things cannot be prepared for. Today I question that belief, largely because when the unthinkable and unspeakable happened this week, I felt amazingly prepared and supported, even before reaching out to the first person in our community for support and prayers. This morning my mom said, “You were pre-prayered.” This, I can honestly say, was hauntingly true for my husband as well, and we stood remarkably strong in one of the most potentially painful situations parents can face.
Out of the Mouths of Babes
Over the last few days, I’ve been amazed at the wisdom and maturity of our children. Out of the mouths of our babes has come much proof that a strong foundation has been laid and that they have had the space to come into their own. My 16 year old even offered her perspective on prayer, faith and love, reminding me that every prayer is answered, just not always in the ways we might recognize.
She reminded me of the trials and tribulations we’ve navigated in the past, saying, “We have the strongest family I know.” We smiled through the tears, and offered humble gratitude even when in pain. There is beauty in the ugliness and light within the darkness.
Intrigued, perplexed, bewildered, sad, angry, and compassionate, we’ve walked through the fire, scorched maybe, but strong and trusting in the resilience that has proven to travel closely with us throughout our lives. Four generations of family and elders blessed us with gifts that are immeasurable. Several clients stepped up and taught my classes for me so I could be present for my family and my own healing. Our spiritual community has prayed on our behalf and many stories of similar situations have been disclosed. Yep, everything happens for a reason, even if we don’t know it.
One thing that has carried me is something that came to me last week, after finding myself afraid, in the darkness of night, alone in the woods, with no light and nothing but me and my Creator to lean into. At the moment when I became most afraid, I began praying. As I felt the calm around me and moving through me, I quickly thought, “Ohhhh, prayer and curiosity are the antidotes for fear!” As we navigated the difficulties this week, this mantra stayed with me, each time offering as boost of gratitude in the most unwelcomed and painful of any situation I have ever found myself in.
Must We Feel Angry?
Yesterday, after several people told me that I should allow for anger and rage to be felt and expressed in our healing journey, I wondered why I couldn’t seem to conjure up either. Was something wrong with me? Was I stuffing away the horrific experience and denying natural emotions? I asked these questions and last evening shared with my husband, who is having a similar experience. I said, “I think the reason I am unable to tap into any anger or rage is that I have faith that the outcome will be in service to the highest good of all involved.”
His agreement validated my own process. Although sad and at times disgusted, anger just hasn’t come up. And, now, more than ever I am grounded in one of the most profound principles highlighted in the Power of Our Way Medicine Wheel… “Healing cannot occur absent of love.”
There is so much anger and hatred in the world and I see this as an opportunity to not contribute to these destructive energies. What would love do, say and be has been the foundational question we’ve walked with this week. God is on the case and so are the experts who I must entrust to do their jobs with passion and heart, not hate or revenge.
My Mission is Clear
It has not escaped me that one year ago to the day; I received a powerful vision, one that has continued to unfold in mysterious and somewhat obvious ways over this last week. My mission has become even clearer as it relates to offering a powerful opportunity for women and offering a pathway that returns them to wholeness.
Please go check out www.healingthechalice.com for the culmination of the vision and subsequent guidance that has directed its development. Join us for this ground shaking and moving process that will re-awaken you to your Divine Feminine...in a way that you can celebrate and integrate your own magic and mystery...
We go deeper into healing the sacral chakra and all that is tethered to it...empowered by it and born from it...we'll literally and figuratively get to the root and sacral aspects of healing, transformation and transcendence...moving beyond illusionary identities, past patterns of abandonment, lack, and denial or feelings of being unsafe in your bodies and emotions...FREEDOM and liberation is beckoning... www.healingthechalice.com and SACRED sensuality and pleasure are just some of the rewards...
POEM: Alive Again
Standing in the eclipse, I am in the dark but not alone
Knowing that compassion must guide me on this journey
I stand in the shadows of my greatest fear
No longer able to protect my prayer for innocence
My sweet baby, I prayed for you to never know this pain
Aware that wisdom is visiting and love dances all around you
You are not alone and healing begins long before hurt’s arrival
I shall not ask why
Just what?
What can I do, what can I say?
What is the prayer I shall walk with?
Wholeness will return as the fragments come back together
You will feel alive again
and safe…
In the restoration of your inspiring strength,
resilient, you will find the light behind the darkness
Stepping beyond the experience, you will again know
that all is well, that time will tell, that there is nothing wrong with you
and that nothing has been lost forever
As you return you will know the grace of what is becoming within you
Every tear a prayer, every scream a beckoning of the healing that is imminent
Cloaked in the wings of your angels, you will fly again
Stronger than ever
Grounded in the truth of your perfection
Namaste, Ani
Ani -
We hold you and your family in love, strength, healing and peace - whatever it is that you are going through, remember that no amount of cleansing tears can put out the eternal flame in your heart and soul.
Love and blessings -
Sue
Posted by: Sue | June 20, 2010 at 04:16 PM
Hello,
I am thinking of you and your family in your obvious distress. May I say, and this is without criticism, that I found your letter brought up ambiguous feelings as it is couched in vagueness as to what you are truly in pain about. I can only imagine that it is the loss of a child but I may be totally wrong, whatever it is it is obviously causing you anguish.
For myself when my child died although the anquish was nearly unbearable, I realised my sons life was his own and I didn`t own him, which allowed me to give up thinking I had control over events or people and maybe he had chosen the time of his death.
Like you I didn`t feel anger but was able to truly experience and accept the loss I felt. It wasn`t that I didn`t want to contribute to the anger that is in the world of people as I didn`t think of that. But I knew somewhere inside that if I turned away from my loss, which to me it would seem like I was doing if I did that, then in my reality it would have mean`t I was compensating and trying to make my loss feel better in some way, rather than truly feeling the loss and the emptiness that accompanies it. I knew that going through the eye of the needle was the way for me but is not way for everyone.
Much love
Posted by: Jane | June 20, 2010 at 04:00 AM