Thank You For Your Prayers

I’ve been through my share of losses. Death is not a stranger to me.  Yet, yesterday, its visit took me some place entirely different than I’ve ever been before, and it sucked big time.

I’ll tell you right now, that this sharing comes thru swollen eyes and tears of deep sadness. I will not edit, nor attempt to make perfect what just needs to be processed through writing.  I will share, openly, a very human moment and a re-emerging pattern; one that you may relate to, or judge, or have compassion for.  For some, you may be surprised that someone of such incredible faith and deep groundedness in purpose, can still experience a crisis of faith and get messy on occasion. I make no apologies, rather, I just write what comes.

Yesterday morning, I woke up feeling, for lack of a better word, rather “pissy.” I even shared, quite vulnerably, my current foul mood during a monthly call with my fellow Beloved Community Ministers.

During the call, my ministerial mentor, James Twyman, had invited us to share “what we are grateful for.” Although I could have stated a hundred or more things, there was such a sadness in my heart, that I found myself opening up and asking for prayers.

I shared my frustration and deep sadness for having so much that I wish to share with the world and lately, feeling a sense of futility. “Why bother?” was the thought I had woken up with. “Why bother recording our next  music cd when no one ever buys our music? Why bother completing these four damned books, only to be heartbroken to find no one valuing them? Why bother doing what I do at the expense of our security and financial stability? Why work so hard for so little?”

For whatever reason, I woke up threatening to quit. “Look God,” I said, “I can’t do this anymore, not like this. I can’t justify sticking with something that seems to be less and less valued (financially). I’m getting more scholarship requests than registrations. I do what you tell me to do. I’m tired of the struggle. I’m tired of writing music that everyone loves but almost no one wants to buy. I’m tired of writing articles that almost no one reads. I’m tired of wondering, from one month to the next, if the bills will get paid.”

I was not unconscious of the “not enough” theme that was wreaking havoc and causing me to question everything. I was aware of the self-judgment and regret that was stirring underneath the surface. I am ridiculously tough on myself.  I still need to regularly re-wire the “not enough, not good enough” pattern that seems to have been born to me, and aptly reinforced (by me more than any other) for what seems to be multiple lifetimes, and at any moment of perceived failure.

 So, when asked to add to the conversation with my Beloved Ministers, I asked for prayers to support what I saw as a huge need for self gentleness. I said, “I am not practicing gratitude towards myself. I need to forgive myself for making decisions that haven’t worked out so well.”  My fellow ministers thanked me for my vulnerability. As uncomfortable as it was to share my pain, I was glad I did. I needed to, and had needed to for weeks, evidenced by the tears that seemed to come from nowhere. Thirty minutes later, my irritation had not really subsided. I took a hot shower. I prayed some more. I was still feeling angry at myself and was feeling very, very alone.

And, then, in an instant, everything changed focus. 

In a moment of frustration, I ran to the front door (half dressed) to give Brent a check that he had just asked me to sign, yet forgot in the bathroom. I turned and slammed the door, and my sweet and innocent kitten, Kayden, was crushed by the weight of the hurricane resistant door. I fell to the floor and scooped his little body into my bare chest, and heard myself singing a prayer song.  He died in my arms, with Brent by my side. I don’t know that I have ever seen, with my own two eyes, something so devastating.  

This amazing little creature, who spent probably 6 hours a day curled up in my lap and loved pizza, gorgonzola cheese, and salad (he actually was known to dive head first into the salad bowl), was dead. This little guy, who loved to join me while I was drumming (ohhh, he loved it when I drummed), or singing, or meditating, had become a constant companion. Kayden, an amazingly social, playful and adoring kitten had somehow won over 4 of our 5 family pets, including my Belgian Sheppard, who became his instant mother and protector, was gone. And, I killed him.

Brent and I did ceremony, and wrapped him in sacred red cloth. We sang and blew sacred smoke onto him. I held him in my arms for almost an hour before Brent buried him. The worst was telling my 14 years old daughter, Kiera, my animal loving “Kiera Doolittle,” who had sheepishly brought him home just five weeks ago. At first, she said she hated me and would never forgive me. I knew this was the grief and did not take it personally. In some way I felt the same things anyway. I canceled my next appointment and postponed a class I was scheduled to teach. Waves of grief hit me over an over again. I prayed with my friend Lorraine Cohen and one of my treasured clients, Donna Poler, an animal communicator, and gifted healer, called me. It was the only time I picked up the phone, other than when family called. She did some EFT with me and shared some beautiful and much needed sentiments.

I wanted him back, I wanted to erase that moment. I wished I had been more present. I wished I had not been so frustrated and angry that I slammed the door on my innocent friend. I waited to wake up from the nightmare.  Honestly, I probably cried more than I have since my father died 22 years ago. It is awful to lose a loved one, regardless of whether he or she is a two legged or four legged friend, but something about feeling responsible for someone else’s death, even by accident, is exponentially devastating.

A little later, Kiera, my 14 year old, called me and said, “I’m sorry for what I said mommy. I am so sorry this happened to you; I can not imagine how you feel mom. I’m sorry if I made you feel worse, I know you loved him as much as I did and took good care of him. I know it was an awful accident mom. I feel so bad for you and wish this didn’t happen to you.”

She then said to me, “Mom, he’s in a better place and you know that everything happens for a reason. Maybe he was just supposed to be with us for a little while. Now he’ll be able to eat all of the pizza and potato chips he wants!” We actually shared a few moments of smiles and laughter, in between the tears, reflecting on this odd little creature who had blessed us with some wildly un-cat like behavior since he moved in.

Rather than coming home, Kiera decided to go to church with a friend and opted to stay the night. We called each other many times, cried, and each time, she offered such incredible empathy and compassion that I felt as if she was an angel herself. I witnessed my baby sharing messages of faith and wisdom and my husband kept affirming, “Well, she is your daughter…” Over the course of the evening, every single one of our pets came to me as if to console and say, “Its ok mom, we’ll take care of you.” My dog looked for baby Kayden several times, each time coming to me with questioning eyes, as if asking, “Where is he, where’s my baby?”

For hours, every time I closed my eyes, the awful scene replayed in my head and ears. I would feel the rush of sadness and sob, still hoping I would wake up and realize it had all been a bad dream. Then, suddenly, I realized that the grief I was feeling was not just about this loss. I was aware of the synchronicity of prayer request earlier that day. I could feel all of the fractured moments of my life coming up to the surface – to be felt and healed.  I felt deep compassion for others who may feel responsible for someone’s death, even when an innocent accident, and several people actually came to mind as I extended myself into their experience.

All of my regrets and losses flooded into my awareness. I knew that the most important question to ask was not “why did this happen, or how did I attract this (the dreaded law of attraction/metaphysical malpractice approach)?”  Rather, it was “how can I grow from this?” For what purpose was I being offered in this unusual and immensely sad gift? I was being given a grand, albeit awful, opportunity to practice the self gentleness and forgiveness that I requested in prayer just 30 minutes before Kayden died.  

As f%*#!d up as it all was, I knew, somehow, there was something to receive and honor, if I chose to.  At the moment of this thought, I felt an invisible and loving hand touch the top of my head, not unusual for me, yet, incredibly comforting. We went to bed and Brent massaged me as I prayed for some rest and cried myself to sleep.

Sometime, in the middle of the night, I woke up back inside the moment of the tragic accident. I was crying in my sleep and the tears continued in the sanctuary of my bedroom. Then, as I lay there, suddenly, as if guided by my own angel, I was lead into the Wheel (the Power of Our Way Medicine Wheel).  I heard a voice say, “Take the first step, step on the first bridge, just as you guide others to do. Breathe baby, breathe up from the earth and connect to your Source. Allow the light to wash away the darkness.”

I felt myself step into and onto the Bridge of Compassion. I heard, “If you choose compassion towards yourself, what shifts?” I felt the energy of compassion fill me, reminding me of a powerful healing I experienced last summer when it seemed as if all of the compassion of the world entered into the room around me, as I nursed Brent back to health after almost losing him.

Compassion guided me into a reflection of what was true. I adored my little Kayden as my own child (animal people can relate to this sentiment) and he died in an accident. He was well loved and adored and knew it. I had a spectacular five weeks with this amazing dude who was insistent on making everyone his friend and playmate. Even our curmudgeon Old English Sheep dog, Moses, was sweet with him, never minding that Kayden drank out of his “sacred” water bowl or would take a flying leap and land halfway up his leg, looking up at him as if he was saying, “let’s play big guy!”

 I stepped on the second bridge (of The Wheel) of Empathy and felt myself offering comfort to my wounded parts, saying, “I know you feel awful, but it was an accident.” I forgave myself (round one at least) and fell back to sleep. This morning, although still quite teary and sad, I don’t feel the self hatred and judgment I felt yesterday. I am aware that I have some healing to do, and will allow a deeper reflection of what else I need to let go of,  heal, change – or align with – so I am in better harmony and flow with myself. I anticipate making some decisions and changes, but now is not the time.  I work fairly hard to not make decisions from fear and despair. And, quite honestly, I’m in both.

Several months ago, during an Awakening the Healer Within class, I shared the following words:

“Living the life of an awakened healer is an integrated perspective that causes a different level of interaction with life itself.”

You can listen to it at http://powerofourway.blogs.com/power_of_our_way_blog/2009/11/changes-are-in-order-an-integrated-perspective.html  (it’s the first clip) on that page.

I spoke about the need – the call - for UNIFICATION. Unification of our pasts, our woundedness, and our identities. I spoke to the need to integrate what we know to be true, so that we can truly and completely believe what we believe.  I spoke to embodying our truth and faith in such a way that we can consistently practice cultivating the degree of presence and awareness in ourselves so that we can “carry this integrated perspective into all aspects of our lives.”  I spoke of the need for awakened healers to reconcile the parts that are at "war within themselves.” I talked about the need to bring forth the compassion that exists and the need to offer it first and foremost, to ourselves.

And here I was. Living what I teach. Learning from life and the amazing revealing moments that are such teachers to us. I know the heartfelt prayers and Reiki that were being sent to me helped immensely. I thank you for the love, emails and energy many of you sent and am sure it enabled me to get some rest after a difficult day. For now, I remain open to the blessings of such an awful experience. I will give myself the time I need, when I need it and not worry about what I’m not getting done. And, I will practice what I teach and continue to walk the wheel when needed.

I love you, Ani

Asking myself these questions...

Comments

[beverly]

Dear Ani ... I have just read your post and learned the details of your sorrow ... when I wrote to you last and said perhaps the reason we can smile through our tears is that in our soul we know the sweet truth of Life ...

Ani, I don't know the answers to the big questions life presents us with ... all we can do is, as Kimberly's message spoke of today, search for that little spark of tenderness within and embrace it into its fullest being, which is Love ... love for our Creator, love for ourselves, for our loved ones, love for All That Is ...

and in that statement is possibly the sweet truth of Life ... that Love is ‘All That Is’, and ‘All That Is’ is Love ...

wow ... is it possible then, just possible, that what appears to be an accident is, in truth, an act of Love? Might your precious four-legged friend have sometime ago ... even long before you incarnated ... agreed to come into your life and leave in exactly this way? If this is the case, might then perhaps ‘agreement’ (rather than ‘accident’) be a more accurate a way to describe what took place?

Might there have been an agreement ...might the love between your two spirits be so strong that such situation was mutually agreed upon for a very important purpose? What comes to mind is the powerful purpose for which Christ offered up his life ... to teach us that there is in truth no death, that Life and Love are eternal … what a powerful purpose …

Ani, my heart goes out to you and to your family as you grieve and feel the loss of your beautiful four legged friend in the physical world ... and yet, through your tears, once again, I hope you all will all see smiles too as you celebrate the amazing Spirit of Kayden who will be forever with you ... and perhaps it will be Kayden, himself, who shares the deepest understanding and purpose to you…

Just in closing a thought has come about our Spiritual work upon this planet ... with the very nature of Spirit being intangible, sometimes the results of our efforts too seem intangible ... but in the eyes of the Creator whose great gifts of Life to all Life are also received without tangible evidence of appreciation, perhaps if one heart has been touched and one life has changed because of the beauty of a sunset, or the Love spoken through or written by one of his Beloved Children (such as You) ... the Creator is well pleased, and the Sacredness of the whole of Life is Blessed and Enhanced ...

So I say Miigwech, Ani, thank you. Your energy, in all the loving ways you share it around the world, is a powerful tribute to Life itself ... don't ever doubt that for a second ... energizing Life and Light and Love in these days is of such importance and you are a beautiful and powerful Light ...

Take gentle care of your beauty-full heart and soul, be blessed, and may the power of Love and Joy enter in to bless all moments of Life, the easy and the not so easy times …

Love and Peace be yours always, Beverly...

[Vikash Makoonlall]

Hi Ani

I was indeed moved by the incident in your life. As the child rises after falling I am sure you will rise higher at all levels of your being, after the incident - can I call it a spiritual depression? Nothing can be said to happen without reason. I am certain that the lessons will be learnt for further growth. I am also confident that all your students will benefit from your rise.

God bless you

Vikash
Mauritius

[Dianne Costello]

Ani, I hurt alongside you for the loss of your beloved Kayden and I am so moved by this authentic sharing of your experience. I honor you for who you are, for your transparency and vulnerability and sweet sensitivity. Blessings of peace and comfort! Dianne

[Matt Perelstein]

wow. ouch! Sorry for your pain, but thankful for your gift in sharing a wonderful connection with Kiera. Kids with high EQ can be oh so cool!

Beautiful management of your pain, too. just don't forget to deal with any Anger, too. With hurt there is almost always a component of anger. And, if we feel guilty, we can set ourselves up to be punished in some way. allow the anger, accept it, feel it, release it.

will you get another kitten?
my best to you and your family.
- Matt

[Anita Pathik Law]

I am just so amazed and thankful for each and every one of you! Wow, soooooo healing, so nurturing. So humbling. Thank you, thank you...All my love, Ani

[ek boudica]

My consolations to you Ani for your loss of a dear friend. May you find the warmth again. Here is a link of consolation I found in my own surfing for peace.
http://spiritlibrary.com/starchild/loving-energies-for-the-whales-and-dolphins

[Linda]

Ani, I just read your heart wrenching, authenticly human emotion in it's turest form. I can't thank you enough for your honesty, open heartedness and compassion you shared with us today. The first time I met you and Brent at the Freedom Formula, I was so drawn to your music and meditations and bought and use them daily. You approached me in the gift shop before leaving that event in January, and I was genuinely, spiritually moved by your presence and very inpressed that you even approached me.
I, also am saddened by your loss, and just know your work here will be brought to new light and level of awareness from your experience.
Love all that you do,
Linda

[Lourdes]

Ani,
You are so loved! May you continue to heal yourself, as you have helped so many others to do...And may the love shared with Kayden continue to bless your family at this time. Thank you for sharing with us all,even as difficult as it is.
Many prayers are sent to you.
All compassion and love to you all.

[[email protected]]

Anita,
You are sending each one of us a gift by sharing your challenging and difficult experience. I humbly thank you for your courage and your wisdom, your compassion and your love.
I join in consciousness and pray for you and your family's healing and comfort.
You story has made an imprint on all of us that will last forever and we will grow and be better people because you shared so openly.
Much love,
Wendi

[Manon Laurin]

Dear Ani,
Your work is very important. Please stay strong. I send you courage and love.
Manon,Blue Angel

[Alisa Rose Seidlitz]

Dear Ani,

Thank You Thank You Thank You.

What you have expressed touches so deep ( I am writing thru my own tears). I am sorry for the enormity of pain from this powerful experience.

I am SO thankful for your sharing what happened, and of what you had/have been experiencing in terms of "threatening to give up", asking G-D, in effect, WHAT GIVES?!?, because that is so close to how I have been feeling also.
We may each be a Unique Expression of Light, but we are really not alone in what we're going thru in this "new" era/time. The era that we have been looking towards, the birthing into the wider world of what we have lived for forever.

I was "born this way" ( uh huh, the "weirdo, sensitive, knowing/feeling-stuff-that-others-don't-want-you-to-say" way), have been clearing internal "stuff" for So Many Decades now...keep thinking we're 'cleaned out" by now.....I guess SELFfLove has no growth boundaries!!

What A Wonderful Mommy You Are!
And, thru this and the sharing of it, You Have Gifted Us All.

May the Sun Shine Through,
Alisa Rose

[Alexandra]

Anita, Your daughter said it all when she said that this happened for a reason. I believe everthing happens right on time. I had to put my wonderful cat of 18 years to sleep a couple of years ago. She was the best cat I ever had. I still feel her spirit or hear a sound she would make jumping off a chair. Please do not stop making music or meditations. I enjoy them and pass them on to friends. You help many people without even knowing. As far as selling them, did you ever think to send them to Hay House to be put in their catalog or Barnes and Noble. I always go to the New Age section looking for new books. Do not give up hope. I ordered your hypnotic weight loss tape and am looking forward to using it...................Alexandra

[Kimberly Martin]

Hello Anita,
I can see by the responses to your posting, your honestly and sad story has touched many today.
We've never met and I've only recently begun to receive your emails but you showed us your soul today, and that takes courage and strength.
When you spoke about your frustrations regarding your business, I could relate to that. On my difficult days, I too have wondered if I've chosen the right path. Your story reminded me to stay in touch with all that makes me valuable and loved which goes far beyond my business and certainly beyond what I perceive as my successes or failures. Thank you for this reminder.
I am an animal lover myself and I really felt your pain when you described what happened to you little kitten. I believe that sometimes beings come into the world with a higher purpose which is not what we would expect or predict. This was certainly a special little soul to touch so many.
I wish you well on your journey Anita. Thank you for sharing your heart-felt story with us today.
Warmly,
Kimberly

[Gail]

Your tragic loss was a trigger. It reminded me of some grief I had locked away about a dog I had to leave behind with my husband when we divorced. The succeeding years left no time for grieving about him... but last night I did. Thank you for providing the deep alchemy to allow me to do this. All last night dogs followed me through dreams. At one point I was descending a wooden tower via a spiral staircase with 2 young girls, and we came upon lions mauling a very young puppy. None of us felt fear as we grabbed the puppy from the jaws of the largest lion. We were chased down the stairs and ran to a car, and where -safe inside- the lions leaped upon the roof. Then I was in a boat on a river that branched 3 ways before me, and I had to figure out how to proceed along all three at the same time. When I woke, and opened my eyes there was the sad brown eye of a hound gazing at me, which then slowly faded. Animals can be powerful alchemists for us. Thank you for sharing your story
(and allowing space for me to share mine).

[NaNa DiviNa]

Dear Ani,

your story is more than touching to read and i really feel in empathy with what you're expressing through this event and even much more about what leaded you to experience all of it...
It strangely resonates with exactly what i shared from my life yesterday with some friends and today again with a medium/healer friend :
"Why bother to do things that people don't care about ?, why doing so much for so little in return and still having to worry about bills... Why is it so hard ? "

Be sure dear Ani, that your work is actually valued, respectaed and loved, please.
You're a great generous skilled healer and artist and people can absolutely feel it and appreciate it.
The still lacking of full succes or reward could come partly from that persistent feeling of "not enough, never enough" and also maybe from the non total belief in a total abundance for yourself yet..

Actually that's what went out for me when i just expressed these same kind of sadness about the lack of money and succes despite my efforts and commitment... So maybe these thoughts can help you, maybe not, and sorry if they don't resonate with your personal story, but be sure that your cd's, work, songs, letters are read and REALLY APPRECIATED !!!
You're GREAT, LOVED AND WORTH IT as the great sould you are, since i've never even saw you or talked to you but since you've already helped me a lot and will probably continue to do so;)

May your Kayten send you love and laughter again from where he is and may you and your family receive the abundance you deserve for your beautiful work & help.

Blessings & Sunshines

NaNa

[Jacqueline Stone]

Anita,
Thank you for sharing so openly both your humanness and your grace. As a healer, I know you feel a deep sense of responsibility for others, for humanity, & for the world. Sometimes it can feel like you're giving so much, carrying so much, and you can't do it alone. It can feel like we're not making any difference, but we are. YOU are. We just have to remember that we are in partnership here & allow others to do their part. Your precious furry friend gave you an amazingly powerful gift in reminding you to be present, but also by creating with you the space for you to receive support & nurturing.
So many of us love & appreciate you, Anita. We may not be able to support you with purchases, but we freely give a far more valuable currency. As you open to receive it, may you find all your other needs met, too.
Jacqueline

[Janet Arnold]

Blessings and peace to you and your family (furry and non-furry). I honor your honesty and give thanks for your integrity to write your truth and share your journey, as painful and inspiring as it is. I wonder how many people Kayden's story will impact. Such a little one, who has touched so many. Perhaps wisdom and compassion fly on his furry wings to reach us all.

[Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker]

This is my first visit to your blog. I will come back and read more.

Thank you for sharing your grieving thoughts and process. I have learned that grief always brings up any other unresolved feelings of sadness that you haven't finished with. I also have learned to look at the many challenges of my life as gift bearers. From the gift, I learn to be grateful for the experience and what it has taught me.

I cried with you as I read the words of your article. When my son was about 14 years old, he was jumping on my rebounder, just playing around, when our little kitten ran under one of the legs of the rebounder as it jumped off the floor. It instantly killed the kitten. My big 14-year-old son was heart broken. All I could do at the time was hold him as he sobbed his pain out. I told him over and over it was an accident. I asked him if he intended to do it on purpose? He said no. I told him he had to let go of it. It wasn't something that he planned to do. It was an accident.

I had no words of metaphysical wisdom to share with him at the time, just the love from my heart. Being a mother and seeing and feeling our children's pain can be the most difficult lessons of all. As I told my son at the time, be gentle with yourself. Remember the love and joy that the kitten brought into your live.

[Kathryn Yarborough]

Anita,
Thank you for your honest and heartfelt sharing. I love you and appreciate you... and your journey, your gifts, your challenges.

I can only begin to imagine what you feel... as I, too, have been unconscious around others.

The pain of life sometimes seems too much to bear. And yet those of us on this journey get to bear it, be opened by it, and expanded to infiniteness because of it.

I love you girl. May the way become clear for ever expanding prosperity. May we remember that All of the nutrients we Truly need are given and received freely.

with love,
Kathryn (Yarborough)

[Kim Loftis]

Anita,

My heart goes out to you as you live such precious lessons of self-love and self-forgiveness. I can so relate to your frustration expressed at your meeting earlier in the post, and have learned that, for me, if I can immerse myself in as much joy and gratitude as possible, it's as if I'm opening up the floodgates to greater serenity, prosperity and ever-increasing love. When I'm hardest on myself, as you've been after your physical loss of your sweet little friend, I dive into God's infinite love, and if I can get to that place, slowly, gradually, I find the healing and support I crave, and which is, of course, there all along. This is what I wish for you, dear friend.

I'm sorry for my lack of corespondence, and dearly wish to rectify that lapse... you are in my heart and my prayers, as always, and if I can be of any help at all, please let me know. I love you very much.

Kim

[Tanisha M]

Wow, I really value your honesty and you just sharing what was on your heart. I bet it feels great to just release those things that have been on your heart.

I know it was hard for you to lose the cat and it was an accident, the biggest question you can ask yourself now is "What can I do about it now?" I don't think there is anything you can do but just let it be. It was a mistake, it happened.

Maybe it was about becoming more conscious.

Thank you for sharing.
Tanisha

[Johnetta Crumpley]

There are times as a human we relate to the experiences that we wish not, that we want not, that we know not why. Today as I read your experience I could relate and know that all will be well.

We all have been in situations and circumstances that we had to experience at the human level and you know what that the best part is? Beginning to walk knowing. Knowing that we are all here in this school of learning for just that...to learn and elevate to even higher levels of understanding spiritually. Let this learning experience give you the wings of grace, the expansion of understanding and the continued connection of love within....you are never alone.

A sister in spirit
Johnetta