Oh God, Oh God, I Can’t Do This!

"Oh God, Oh God, I Can’t Do This!" This phrase ran through my head as I attempted to draw in a breath that seemed to escape my grasp. The phone shook in my hand as my body collapsed into the chair on the deck of my mother’s house and she looked at me with eyes that said, “Oh my God, what’s going on?”

My mind scanned the details of my much needed client schedule and the lack of money in my bank account. Having just returned to Maryland for 7 weeks of client work after a very sudden (and expensive move) to Florida, I couldn’t make sense of how I could turn right back around to be by my husband’s side. Everything in me knew, at a deeply intuitive and disturbing level, that my husband would die if I didn’t get there, but my mind and heart froze. I couldn’t begin to think through the details as “Why God, Why?” played through my mind. “Trust my dear, Trust. We’ll help you get there.”

The breath finally came and 15 insane minutes later I was dialing into the bridge line to facilitate my Thursday night Power of Our Way Community Call-in Group. As insane as it sounds, it was exactly the right thing to do and quickly brought me into the space of faith and God consciousness I would need to give me the strength to drive the 12 hours to Jacksonville. Each number I dialed was a prayer for God to take over. “I’ll help you do this and it must be done,” said the voice of a higher power that has seemed to be stepping in a lot lately.

Within a few hours I was back on the road, feeling a little less stressed knowing friends were by his side. God spoke to me through the songs on the radio and gave me safe passage. Mysteriously (or Divinely) a mixed CD given to me by Brent about 8 years ago fell out of my journal, as if my angel had tucked it in there just before I left my mom’s. I had not seen it, let alone played it for at least five years, yet every single lyric could have been hand picked for this moment. My guess is that I sang and cried for at least seven out of the twelve hours, the meaning of each song both synchronistic and slightly annoying in their appropriateness.

Faith and fear did their obnoxious (and totally normal) dance but each mile closer rejuvenated the body that had already been up for 36 hours. I knew I was not alone on that insanely long stretch of I-95, yet felt an intensity of isolation from Brent’s energy, rarely able to fully access his soul in the way I have been able for the last 11 years. Those moments were the most unsettling, yet a different presence and awareness flooded into my consciousness and kept me focused enough to drive.

Within a few hours, exhausted and feeling sleep knocking at my proverbial door, it was as if an angel took my wheel, drove me into a rest stop and said, “You’ll not do any good if you die getting there.” Angelic hands seemed to pick my body up and gently place me into the passenger’s seat, whispering “Sleep now, we’ll wake you when it’s time.” I recall thinking, “No way I’ll get any rest,” yet 30 minutes later, I felt a hand lift me into a seated position. “It’s time,” said the voice, and I felt a burst of energy run through every cell of my body.

12 hours later, at about noon a week ago Friday, I pulled back into the driveway of my new home in Florida. My mind would not have been able to construct the scene of what I was about to walk into, let alone my super human response to it. After about a minute of gut wrenching fear, Spirit infused me with all of the instructions and faith I would need to get through the next two days. Help wasn’t “on the way,” it was already here, and prayers had already been put into motion the night before. My spiritual communities and Lakota teachers were already in ceremony for what know was a miracle healing and an absolute, unquestionable, Divine Intervention. It would take me an entire book to relay the series of miracles and interconnected synchronicities, including moments when my husband, our best friend Greg, and myself could feel a tangible presence of the Divine (and Angels and Guides of the unseen) both surrounding us and infusing us with healing, love and faith.

Interestingly enough, especially looking back at the emergent nature and Brent being hours from death, I never once sought medical intervention. Knowing I would know if I needed to, we rallied our faith and prior experiences with prayer and ceremony for healing medical dis-ease. Insane as it may sound to most people on the planet, especially since I am not one of those die hard’s that never seeks medical advice, I knew exactly what to do and not do and how to do it. Both the warrior and healer in me showed up in amazing partnership and lead me every step of the way. I also was aware in almost a calmingly unsettling way, that we were about to learn more permanent and deeper lessons about faith, compassion, and most importantly, spiritual community and ceremony.

By the afternoon of Saturday, August 9^th, I knew that medically, Brent was going to be fine. I was also aware that spiritually he was entering into a level of healing and empowerment that would forever change both of us. Sunday he was in sweat lodge to receive powerful prayers, cleansing and healing, and a week ago today we were arriving back in Maryland to ease my worried children and family. This last weekend, after reaching out to my Wakan (Holy) sisters to pour a lodge for me so I could cleanse myself of several weeks of unimaginable stress and the trauma I had experienced, I too received an incredible healing and was honored in ways that I never have been before.

Last evening, with Brent back in Florida and me finally coming up for air in Maryland, I still felt twinges of emotional exhaustion, some of which I am sure is because I will be away from my family for the next five weeks. Today is the first day I actually feel like I am coming out of automatic pilot mode and I now abruptly arrive back into a physical world that is not as aware, and even dismissive of the spiritual experiences I have had and the odd ways they are effecting me.

I’ve even had a few people show up (only two) that have judged me for the way we chose to navigate this healing and one who flat out told me I was an irresponsible, imbalanced idiot for possessing the faith that I do. Financially, the last month has been beyond stressful with the move, with tons of unexpected expenses, and the two of us unable to work, move, and heal at the same time.  I visited both heaven and hell in the same moments and my perspective on a lot of things and people has forever been changed. Today, I exercise a different kind of faith, one that seems harder when bank accounts and bills are involved. To top it off, very few of my local friends and family members are feeling all that stable in their own transitions and emerging crisis’ but, fortunately, my core spiritual family is holding a space of energetic support that is beyond anything I ever could have dreamed of.

Although still in process, I am learning some powerful, life-altering lessons about faith, ceremony, my own path, and interestingly enough, mirrors of fear and disapproval that have called forth a compassion I never knew I possessed. As much as I wish to take a week off and just relax, I am back in my busy life and schedule, “bringing home the bacon,” and missing my family. As I look at the clock this morning, August 19, 2008, I feel an excitement build as I know I will soon be on the phone with Brent for our morning prayers and wake up call that will become my main touch points until I return to Florida at the end of September. I have clients on the schedule, more miles to put in and an incredible retreat to look forward to here in Maryland before I head back to Florida.

New friends who showed up in really hard ways and my spiritual family are providing me with incredible reminders of how blessed and loved I am, and just last evening, my hubbie scanned and emailed a card I received from Sharbel, a community member in Lebanon who has shown up in miraculous ways at just the right times over the last two years. I feel the odd dichotomy of emptiness and fullness and know, beyond a doubt, that this experience is not yet complete. My path is being clarified, my teachers are appearing, and my work in the world, I know, will greatly be enhanced and possibly altered by the experiences I have had over the last several months, let alone the last two weeks.

And, if I could sum it all up in a few sentences (this is subject to change) it would be this;

“You are not alone. Not ever. Faith, love, compassion, community, and spiritual ritual can change everything in an instant and fill you with the intuitive wisdom you will need in all situations. You have a Divine purpose to fulfill and every single experience is a gift to enhance and deepen your awareness and ability to fulfill your spiritual mission here on earth. And, you can do it when you surrender your fear and let Spirit take the wheel.”

Aho, Mitakuye Oyasin (all my relations), open the door.

Namasté, Anita

Copyright 2008, Anita Pathik Law

Awaken to Your Soul's Evolutionary Journey, September 19-22 with Anita Pathik Law and a powerful group of soul seekers- reserve your spot now for this life altering retreat at www.powerofmyway.com/soulevolution.html

Awakening to Purpose - the highly acclaimed teleclass with Anita is beginning September 25th at www.awakeningtopurpose.com 

Comments

[Heather]

Okay, am I the only one who wants to know what in the world happened to Brent? Or is it too personal? Either way, no biggie. It just seems like a piece of the puzzle is missing.

[tania badger]

I sometimes have to think - the tests we are given and why?...But the strength that is shown is a true test of character and with each trying experience only makes us that much stronger! Reading your testimonial made me realize that I need to cleanse and heal and am in desperate need of a sweat lodge. I Thaven't been to one in such a long time and I am reminded of how that ahhh!!! feeling when the ceremony is done! thank you for that!

[Kelly]

Sweet Anita,

BIG LOVE TO YOU AND TO BRENT. THANK GOD HE IS HEALED. YOUR FAITH WILL BE TESTED AND I KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT THAT YOU OF ALL PEOPLE CAN DO THIS!

Missing you much and hoping we will connect after the dust settles.

Hugs & Peace
Kelly

[Mary Martha Pazos]

Dear Anita,
Thank you for sharing this experience with us. It is an uplifting testimony that should help many along their own journeys. In my case, you stirred up a lot of memories of past experiences. God bless you and your wonderful family and the whole community.
And, by the way,it is a relief to hear that your husband has been healed. I love his music ministry.
Love,
Mary Martha

[Claudia]

Anita,
They say that when we're at the brink of an extraordinary event that will take our lives to complete new ground (and higher levels) our old world must collapse.
You and Brent are leaving behind the old to embrace the new, your higher purpose.
You are all under the wings of the Divine, forever protected. Faith is the evidence of the things not seen and you can see so much of that unseen universe... Who cares what others say?
Glad you're both all right and don't worry, God always has met and always will meet every human need.
Blessings,
Claudia