The last few days have been tough. Heck, the last few years have been tough for a lot of people.
Recently, however, there seems to be a huge increase in the challenges faced by so many. To tell you the truth, even Brent and I are rethinking our path and the direction we have traveled over the last few years.
Yesterday, when trying to muddle through some of our own stuff; un-dealt with grief from a death in the family, and some recent not so great news that just seemed to be the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back, I had several email and phone conversations with people dealing with a lot of loss.
I know this is tough and for whatever reason, a lot of us are really struggling and getting down to the core ick.
Honestly, I have not talked to any of my colleagues recently who are not struggling with something. Health, money, lost contracts, squished hopes; quite frankly, most of us in service are really struggling and on some level asking ourselves the big WHY?
We’re struggling with questions like “When does Faith Become Irresponsible?”
And "when does hope become foolish?"
A few years ago I left behind a lot of lucrative work to pursue a vision of being a writer, lyrcist, and coach people who were not just pleasing their bosses.
My husband promptly lost his job and there went security.
And then, my office caught on fire.
Are you laughing yet? Was it a test? Did we have what it took to do this work?
So, yes, we plugged away. Faith in motion, courage in action, always taking the high road, showing up for a lot of people and on some level, ignoring a lot of the signs that maybe, just maybe, we were kidding ourselves.
I mean, get this…a standing ovation filled with tears during a recent performance yielded 2 measly CD sales.
Another client engagement fell through and there went this month’s mortgage and car payment. (should have learned from last time!)
And, I received a statement that says my ex-husband now owes over $79,000 in back child support and child support enforcement has dropped my case because they can’t find him (He’s getting paid by the U.S. Government according to local law enforcement!)
And, to top it off some idiot (I behold the Christ in you!!) has done some major damage to most of the ways I communicate with the world, forcing me to cancel a program that I had really been looking forward to and really inspiring me to ask, “Is it really worth all of this money and hassle?”
I’ve spoken at two memorial services over the last few months and am most likely preparing for another one.
Don’t worry, I am not feeling victimized, just tired and sensing a needed break from the chaos.
I have risen as victor in some of life’s most bizarre tragedies and have never let anything stop me, but wow, what is up with the level of insanity I am seeing?
So, yesterday, when a dear friend reached out in his grief, I didn’t nix words. I didn’t have it in me to be sweet and perfect in my response…or so I thought.
It felt kind of good to let loose, so I’m sharing it with you today.
This is preparation folks – for what, I’m not sure but I trust that no matter what, we will all be able to look back at this last year and say, “wow, no shit, look where we are now., can’t believe I almost chucked it all and gave up!
If I had only known…what was only days, or weeks ahead, I wouldn’t have wasted so much time and energy on fear!”
But, we feel the crush of our broken hearts and grieve over lost dreams and we cry and scream and kick and suffer and get pissed because if we didn’t we’d really lose our minds!
And, then one day the sun is brighter, the sky is bluer and hope is reborn in the moment we wake up from our dream, or self made nightmare.
Trust, me, I am describing myself in this.
Sometimes, life sucks.
It is f&%$d up and yes, a lot of people are screwed up and mean and do really shitty things.
The news gets worse and worse, bank accounts seem to be dwindling, interest rates and gas prices are rising.
Forclosures are up by 47% in the last year alone!
It’s all upside down – at least that I am certain of.
And then, our kid walks in and gives us a hug and says we are the best thing ever. Or our dog greets us as if we are the cause of the whole world being in existence.
In the long run, we are really just mad at ourselves for trusting, believing, wanting, trying, failing, loving, blah, blah, blah.
And yet, we trust again, we believe again, we love again, we try again, we fail again, and we cry and get mad and hurt and feel as if we might never be able to breathe normally again – or heck, want to breathe again and then…it happens.
Again.
Something, something deep inside and connected to this crazy energy that calls to us to live again, love again and believe again, re-awakens and suddenly we are reborn into a hopeful existence.
And if we are lucky we do get our hearts broken a few times – because it means we loved BIG.
And failure means we had the guts to try.
And when we lose our faith, at least it meant we had it before and will most likely find it again.
It is the moment when we wish we could lose our faith so we won’t look foolish for believing, that you can bet we are heading towards a breakthrough…as long as we don’t breakdown five minutes before the miracle.
Just think, since the beginning of time, God is still around and love is still around…so, there’s gotta be something to them huh?
Sleep darling, and ask for your angels to come to you and fill your heart back up with hope.
Tomorrow is a new day. And then the next one is a new day, and the next, and eventually that sun will shine again and you’ll have a moment when you realized you went the whole day without crying.
And, you’ll know your living again.
And, in the meantime, check out our latest at www.brentlawmusic.com
Love, Anita
Wow! I thought I was the only one in my little world that all the above was happening to. I guess I'm just tired of merely surviving, barely. I guess I could get another boring soul sucking corp. gig. But I would quit asap. That underpass by the freeway may come soon. Not!! I'll pull a rabbit out of a hat soon.
Posted by: Tom | April 24, 2007 at 01:46 AM
Wow! I thought I was the only one in my little world that all the above was happening to. I guess I'm just tired of merely surviving, barely. I guess I could get another boring soul sucking corp. gig. But I would quit asap. That underpass by the freeway may come soon. Not!! I'll pull a rabbit out of a hat soon.
Posted by: Tom | April 24, 2007 at 01:45 AM