With all personal growth, whether personal or professional, there is always a shift in awareness. Much of the awareness occurs at the relationship level. In the Power of Our Way Medicine Wheel, we easily see the dynamic interaction between culturally influenced belief systems and all of the relationships that occur within what I call The Four Dimensions of Relationship; relationship with Self, Source, others and the Earth.
Within this model, we also begin to look at conflict very differently – often as an illusion of thought that is unsubstantiated by facts, yet tirelessly justified by perceptions and beliefs. This is why I talk about conflict dis-illusion as opposed to conflict resolution. See, once we identify the illusions – or obstacle illusions – we can dissolve them with a simple shift into Truth and the feelings of conflict can melt away.
Beliefs and Identities Must Be Evaluated, But How?
Within the first dimension, relationship with Self, we expand by exploring the mysterious territory of our beliefs. After all, all of our experiences are influenced by our perceptions. No matter the situation, all perception of conflict is sourced at the level of belief. Judgments of right or wrong, good or bad, respectful or disrespectful, holy or unholy, and even what we come to label as desired and undesired or fortunate and unfortunate, are purely perceptual.
The identities we form from our past experiences, and the beliefs adopted through them, are either expansive or restrictive in nature. Many of the labels we walk with are simply not true – at least not true with a capital “T!”
Perception Becomes Prophecy!
One can assume the identity of a weak, sickly person, just as they can assume the identity of a strong, vibrant, resilient person. You can imagine the different lives each of these people is destined to lead – not because of karma or some contract, but rather, because of their self-fulfilling perceptions! You may think of yourself as someone who plays it safe, and depending on what other beliefs are being carried within you, that self identification with “playing it safe” may be a badge of honor, or a badge of shame.
Your potential, or at least your sense of potential and possibility in all areas of your life, is also influenced by your beliefs and identities. Whether conscious of your self-imposed labels, it is likely you have some strong opinions of the type of person you think you are – or aren’t.
I’m the type of person who…I’m the type of person who does not…are the red flags I often look for when working with folks. Over time, you develop “rules” for living and perceiving the world around you. Rules may establish themselves in what you say yes and no to, what you agree with and don’t, and even what you entertain as possibility or impossibility in your life.
One of my best friends recently said, “I’m just not an adventurous person.” I must admit, I immediately started to laugh because I’ve witnessed otherwise over the last year. I said, “Clearly, your self identity and the underlying beliefs you carry have not caught up with the new reality of how you are interacting with life.”
I reminded her that from the first moment I met her, I saw and felt an amazingly powerful medicine woman. I saw her in nature, working as a healer, and being very adventurous in both the physical and non-physical worlds of life. It didn’t matter that she was depressed at the time and suffering physically and mentally. It didn’t matter what she had been experiencing in her life. I saw something entirely different.
Could You Throw Out Your Own Rule Book?
Over the last year, I’ve witnessed my friend acting “beyond” her previous experiences of herself. Over and over again, she has shown up, willing to try things she never imagined. She threw out the rule book that had defined her (quite unfairly I must add) and in doing so, opened to some profound realizations of how various self-imposed identities came into form in all aspects of her life.
For example, in 1972, when a professor told her she didn’t have a creative bone in her body, she took it to heart – or more accurately, she took it into her subconscious mind and over time, built a perception of herself as not being creative. When she received the burst of this awareness, it was tempting to get angry or regretful; however, instead, she met the awareness with amazement and said to herself and me, “Wow! Isn’t that fascinating? Imagine all I have not tried because of that perception of myself!” Today, over 27 years after that self defining day, she is reconciling the parts of herself that had been willing to buy into her professor’s opinion, and is now opening to her innate creativity.
There is Great Strength in Flexibility
Quite honestly, I find her very easy to be with – for days at a time, because she is so consistently willing to go beyond her self perceptions, as well as her beliefs about the world. She is strong – but not from a place of opinion. Instead, she is strong because of her flexibility and openness. Through her willingness, she has had some unique experiences over the last year, ones I am confident are forever changing her and will be of benefit in all of her relationships.
She belly danced at a recent retreat and went flying in a two propeller, open cockpit plane with a good friend of ours. When asked to support me in an intense spiritual ceremony this summer, one that would require her to travel across several states, go to a place she’d never been, and camp out with a community she had never met, she said “Yes!” It took her way beyond her comfort zone and shortly thereafter, I witnessed a huge shift in her energy.
In addition to becoming more confident and daring, she has been expressing her wise self in brilliant ways and has a child-like wonderment about her that I adore. Her spiritual and social lives have become much richer and she is paying attention to her curiosities and passions, which are the keys to soul and spiritual connection. Past sensitivities that had caused both withdrawal and self-restriction have been greatly reduced, if not disappeared entirely. And, by the way, for those of you who walk around with an internal tape that says, “I’m too old for that,” or “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” I should mention that my friend is 62 years old.
Renegotiating Relationships with Others
Recently, I received a note from a client, who shared a powerful experience of finally speaking up in a relationship. She had realized that she had reinforced an undesired pattern by saying yes when she really wanted to say no. At first glance, she may experienced a sense of being manipulated, or forced to go along with what the other individual wanted – or what she thought they wanted.
However, at a certain level of spiritual maturity, we find ourselves absolutely unable to blame or finger point. Rather, we are able to see our part in the creation of the undesired – and thus we see our part in correcting what had gone askew by first having the courage to look at our own beliefs and the behaviors or agreements we have made as a result.
Caution! No Entry Permitted Without Compassion!
As you choose to awaken to self-created patterns in our lives, it is important to consciously cultivate compassion within yourself. When asking some of the bigger “belief related” questions, you must have compassion for yourself and others so as to identify the beginning (and reinforcement) points of your perceptions. I’m not saying that getting angry isn’t understandable; however, compassion offers a foundational energy that doesn’t play as much in the stories of pain and blame. Rather than judging what happened in the past, instead, you simply become informed by it.
When the Territory of “Normalcy” Changes
Setting new boundaries cross or erase the edges of previous patterns. In this shift, the territory of normalcy changes and those who feel comfortable with previous patterns must be given time to adjust and release previous expectations. If the ultimately do not resonate – or won’t agree to honor your newly communicated requests, you have some choices to make – choices that may benefit from considering a few things.
Speaking your higher, or previously hidden or unconscious Truths, and moving beyond patterns that you have helped to create, by your own permission and free choice, can feel quite radical for all involved. Even if the changes are desired and will ultimately benefit all parties involved, shaking up the current reality of your relationships can be unsettling. Initially, many of us go into full pendulum swing mode, which can be both severe and confusing.
Not Rocking the Boat Almost Drowned Me
Recently, I put the brakes on a relationship that, in my mind, had become way too stressful with little to no return. Although she did not see, nor take responsibility for her behavior, I realized that I was abusing myself by remaining quiet and not drawing new boundaries. I had quieted more than my mouth too. I had quieted my dreams and passions and had avoided making and acting on decisions that were aligned with my own purpose. Why? Fear of rejection or jealousy. It may have felt “better” to blame her, but only I could take responsibility for what I had permitted, therefore, it had very little to do with her. Bottom line, I had used her as my excuse for not acting on several things in my life and had even fooled myself into believing it was also for the good of the community we are associated with. Not rocking the boat had almost drowned me.
Humans Love Predictability and Assessing Blame
The person who initiates the adjustment, by communicating new boundaries, or altering their behavior (consistently), can upset the status quo. It is human nature to like predictability. It is human to resist change, even if it is empowering change, mostly because of the necessity to surrender to uncertainty. To paraphrase a famous quote by Virginia Satir, we’d rather be in the familiarity of our misery than be miserable in uncertainty.
Of utmost importance is the ability to express oneself absent of blame or judgment. In a society where it has become normal and expected to find the blame or cause of unfortunate or painful events, we have been acculturated to point fingers. We blame our circumstances and even on our feelings on other people, in spite of the core awareness that we possess free will. Communicate where you are in terms of the awareness received through self observation of YOUR previous patterns of thought, motive and behavior, as opposed to placing any blame on another. Although not personal, it is. Although not about the other person, it is.
Conflicts in Relationships Exist Because of a Perceived Duality in Consciousness and Expectation.
The duality of consciousness (within self or in relationship with someone else) is sourced in differing perceptions and beliefs. This can occur within oneself, for example, when one is pulled by competing beliefs or uncertainty. Conflicts between people are not all that different. You can also be in conflict with the beliefs of an organization. You can be in conflict over your beliefs about money, your future, religion, and sexuality. You may be in conflict with what you believe and how you are demonstrating that belief in your life. Upbringing and culture have a huge influence on the subconscious level, where all beliefs are housed. What you expose yourself to in your life and conversations – both internal and external – also impact consciousness.
Because the subconscious mind is unable to decipher between fact and fiction, it just plays along with whatever it is repeatedly told. Depending on how suggestible you are, you can hear something about yourself, another, or the world in general and immediately (and unconsciously) adopt it as a core belief. In reality we are all just big kids in big skin and many of our childhood “issues” or patterns (unloveability, unworthiness, etc.) travel with us for a lifetime, reemerging as the same old patterns with different players and scenery.
Are You Feeling Attached to Outcome or Honoring Resonance?
Duality of consciousness and expectation in relationships can only foster conflict if you are attached to the other person's happiness, approval, or acceptance. When honoring resonance, you can honor the differences in resonance, and not feel threatened or compromised when someone doesn’t agree with you.
How can you honor this awareness with grace and compassion? How can you cultivate patience as the relationship and all people involved catch up? How can you be accepting, loving and grounded in your own personal choices, even when the other disagrees, resists, or refuses to play by the new rules?
The opportunity here, if you are establishing "new rules" in your life and relationships, is to get very clear about your values and the principles that underlie the commitment to living in integrity with the Truths that are now revealing themselves. The conflicts you are facing may very well be what is shining light on what “wants to change” in the playbook of your life.
Negotiate a New Reality
We do not find ourselves in any situation without having given some sort of permission to be there. We have all negotiated our current reality, whether perceived or real, "good" or "bad." Given this, it goes without saying that you can renegotiate a new reality! This shift requires us to hold ourselves accountable for the choices made and for fostering self awareness and compassion for all people involved. It asks you to become more aware of the beliefs and patterns that are no longer working and to take responsibility for your own shift™, as opposed to try to change someone else.
Some relationships will not survive the renegotiation. Others will deepen as a result. Expressing gratitude for what has been learned thru all phases of one's relationship is quite powerful. Sharing how the other has helped shine light on the ways you have chosen to dishonor yourself is transcendent. No one can make us feel or do anything - not as conscious adults. We are the only ones who can hold ourselves hostage in unhealthy relationship patterns. There is always a risk of losing and gaining (something) and the more we surrender to uncertainty, as opposed to try pointlessly to control the uncontrollable, the easier these transitions into higher functioning and co-honoring relationships will be.
See with love, speak from truth, choose from compassion and awareness, embrace the unfolding, ad be grateful for all that is emerging from the epicenter of the necessary changes you are initiating.
Namaste, Ani
Anita Pathik Law is the author of The Power of Your Way; A Path to a Collective Consciousness, and founder of The Power of Our Way Community, Hypnotic Manifestation, and Conscious Dialogues.
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Copyright © 2009, Rev. Anita Pathik Law, CHt, CFCC
From the deepest bottom of my heart - THANK YOU FOR SHARING THIS! :)
It came most precisely on time for me :)
Posted by: Kristi | October 07, 2009 at 03:11 PM