For as long as I can remember, I have not identified with my first name Anita. Mom tells me that when she and my father were choosing names the one she originally picked for me, her elephant baby (more on that another time), was Tashi. A Hindi name for prosperity, she ultimately decided on Anita (Hindi meaning is grace) because it would be a little more familiar in the American culture they had returned to.
Having returned from India to the States about a month before my birth, I was born in my mom's home town and named Anita Pathik. I recall asking mom what my middle name, NMN, meant. “Oh, it means no middle name Anita; we couldn’t find one that sounded right.”
As a young girl, I was called Gandhi girl and dot head, and didn’t feel all that special being labeled as different. Of course I didn’t know of the unique heritage of my family name and that, in a weird way, I was a “Gandhi girl” and would later be quite proud of how the name was given to us.
Still, I can think of many times I looked into my own eyes and just didn’t see an “Anita.” Plus, most people pronounce it “Anida” and as a child, only my parents and uncle seemed to be able to speak it in a way that didn’t grate on me (A-nee-ta). Pathik, however, always felt right (although no one ever pronounced it correctly on the first try). Pathik resonated, yet my first name just didn't seem to fit me. I remember the anticipation and excitement leading up to my first Lakota naming ceremony several years ago, secretly thinking to myself, “maybe this will be a name that fits me.”
I can’t remember the Lakota words, but the English interpretation ended up being “Spirit Sky Walker.” A bit on the “goofy” side (what, was I Luke’s sister?), again, I experienced no resonance with the name and last summer, in ceremony, I actually gave it back and announced that I was ready for a new name. In Lakota tradition it is not uncommon to receive a new name after navigating major shifts or initiations in one’s life but, to date, I remain “nameless” and still await the name that rings as true to who I am in the world.
About a year ago, when doing some research on my father, Magan Kumar Pathik, my daughter told me of a character named Guru Pathik in a Nickelodeon show called The Avatar. Much to my surprise, this note was posted on Wikipedia…
“A guru is a spiritual expert. The word pathik means "the traveler" in Hindi and was a last name that Mahatma Gandhi personally gave to the family of Magan Kumar, a child born to his ashram in 1938. The Sanskrit version of the name is Pathika, which has a wider range of meanings, such as 'knowing the way' or path; as a noun, it can refer to a traveler or a guide. During Aang's hallucinations in "Nightmares and Daydreams", he sang The Chakras song and appeared with six arms.”
The description of this picture of Guru Pathik identifies him as “A six-armed Guru Pathik singing about chakras in a dream of Aang's.” I find this particularly funny because of the number of people who have commented during healing sessions that it feels as if there are multiple hands on them!
I found the character description of Guru Pathik quite uncanny. A little known core of who I am is an “energy alchemist” who senses and works in the chakras and does shamanic type work with my private clients. This was paramount to my own healing from Lupus in the late 90’s. I fact, just the other day my husband was telling someone the story of the year I painted and burned a specific chakra pattern into wood panels for a year. I can honestly say that I was compelled to draw and paint them and later realized I was actually balancing my own by repeating the fully balanced pattern no less than 40 times (it could take up to a week or two to complete each wall hanging) over that year.
I am pictured here just a day before my 17th birthday, on the day of my high school graduation.
I had known of the story of my father’s birth since a young girl and would later experience a deep affinity for my Indian heritage and the great Mahatma Gandhi, the peace builder who named my father on December 26, 1938 in an ashram called Magan Wadi in Northern India.
This photo (no, my dad didn’t dress like this all the time) is my most treasured because it depicts my father in his most authentic essence—that of a fun-loving spiritual man and healer (he had a magic touch like none other) who commanded intrigue of those who were in his presence. I miss him more and more as time passes and know we would have a rich relationship if he were around today.
On some level, and I know many of you will relate to this, I have always felt as if I was on the outside of life. I saw, felt and heard things that were unexplainable and even as a small child could sense energy in others (not always good or clear) and could feel other’s thoughts and emotions in my body. I felt odd—an outcast—and it was only 12 years ago that I began to understand how to interpret and manage energy in a way that allows me to live in a world that can be quite disruptive to an empath.
Last week, while in sweat lodge, we were all reminded to state “who we were” before we shared our prayers. Customary to announce to the Great Mystery “I am Anita” before speaking prayers, once again, I felt completely disconnected from my name and the bigger questions I have about my role in the world flooded in. As I tended to the fire and carried the rocks in between each round, each step I took felt sacred. I am this fire. I am this lodge. I am this way of praying and being in community. I am a medicine woman, a healer, a teacher, and a voice for healing and awakening. I am the earth and the trees and the sky above. I am my drum and the sacred songs we are singing. I am the rocks. But, what is my name? As connected as I felt to everything and everyone, I noticed a deep sadness and longing that extended to my core, one that may always have been there.
Maybe it is because I am, yet again, wondering “who am I really?” As odd as it may seem, I still wonder what I am doing here and what I am supposed to be doing in the world. Tears are welling up as I type this so know there is deep truth in the pondering of this question. Since moving to Florida and having very little sense of what I am supposed to be doing here (and not really having the opportunities I had imagined), the question and longing has only increased a hundredfold.
I am a minister without a “church” and (forgive me if you think this to be arrogant) and an incredible spiritual teacher and healer who craves to do more face-to-face work than seems possible in the situation I find myself in. I also miss working with my husband and am feeling impatient. On some level, I am reconciling with the current fact that I need to co-create and receive opportunities that won't include him now that he has a home base for his expression with music (much of which we write together) and is working with another minister. It does not escape me that the Pathik in me; the “traveling guide,” is feeling a bit ancy and homesick for the home I have not yet discovered!
You might be surprised to hear that someone who is “out there” in the way I am continues to have so many questions. You might be surprised to know that I am in a period of incredible longing and have been feeling quite unsure as to my own “what’s nexts.” In truth, the only places I feel truly “at home” are in my work and in a handful of relationships (like with my fabulous Tiospayes (Lakota for extended family) in Maryland(I miss my lodge family and Greg so much) and Florida, and with my mastermind partners and clients.
The move to Florida has been a difficult one for me because I have yet to be able to share my gifts on the level they wish to be expressed. Yet, I know this to be a period of Divine Discontent; one where I once again open to a vision beyond my own; guidance that will open my eyes to where I should be, how I should serve and where I should place my attention, energies, talents and time. Of course I am also preparing for Hanbalecha—vision quest—and know that these questions often become magnified before going up on the hill.
It is an interesting place to find myself, yet again. Although quite happy, honored and grateful, I am deeply longing for a way to serve and contribute to my purpose and others in a way that is more deeply fulfilling. I can say one thing for sure. Tonight, I enter into the journey of exploration again with an open mind and heart as both a teacher and a student. Feeling curious and excited to ask myself the same big questions as we will invite the group to explore, I can only imagine (or not) what I will discover over the next 12 weeks about my own path. I know Lorraine is feeling the same way and the folks I have had the pleasure of connecting with are just as ready, willing and able as we are.
So, as you, God and the world as my witnesses, I say, “O.K. Spirit. I am ready to know and see the greater unfolding of my life and service. I will go where you direct me and ask for divine patience as I enter into this phase of my journey. I commit to seeing with eyes of beauty and offer my compassion and patience as I am prepared and guided by you each day. May I be bold and gentle in my walk and open to all that you gift me with.”
Peace...Namaste, Anita
Anita Pathik Law is an author, coach, healer and minister of spiritual peace making. Known as a midwife to the soul and a powerful voice in the consciousness movement, her websites, programs and services offer diverse and dynamic resources to those who take advantage of them.
Visit her at www.aligningwithdestiny.com and www.powerofmyway.com and enjoy two of her favorite co-creations at www.thepowerofmywaymovie.com and www.divinitymovie.com
I think we are all shifting in our unique ways and being called to step into higher forms of service. I agree about the withdrawing - at least on the level of withdrawing from the urge to push rather than allow. Yet, usually there is some partnered approach, yes?
I know desire (and often discontent) precedes a new creation - it is the Universe's way of saying, get ready!
Love, Anita
Posted by: Anita Pathik Law | February 11, 2009 at 07:37 AM
Thank you for sharing Anita!
I have found myself at a crossroads lately (maybe it's the Universe shifting?) about my message, the way I was conveying it to the world and all the opportunities that I know are all around all the time but that I can't see.
What helped me was to withdraw and allow. I have been seeing more opportunities since then that are leading to healing for so many.
I have no idea why the Universe works like this, I just know that whatever happens, it is always for our benefit. It would be easier if the Universe could send us a memo thou!!
Blessings
Posted by: Claudia Juarez | February 11, 2009 at 07:09 AM